Thursday, February 28, 2013

Greatest fears

On Biggest Loser this week it was Face your fears week. And I have many fears. Many, many, like lots! But one surpasses all the rest. Any guesses? There are the normal ones, like heights (yes, I laughed when Jackson screamed like a girl when he fell), small spaces (Gina thought she was gonna die - she didn't), rats, spiders, germs. I could handle all of those at the same time. The one thing I am totally, completely, 100% afraid of is prosthetics. Yes, I am scared of fake appendages. There. I said it. They are unnatural, and creepy, and give me nightmares. No joke. One time I dreamed I was in a wrestling match with someone with fake legs, and then their arms turned fake, and then their head turned fake. It was probably 15 years ago that I had the dream and I still remember everything about it. When I woke up I had to turn on all the lights in the house and I sat in the living room trying to distract myself with TV but to no avail.
So, where does one get such an outrageous fear? I have a theory. And its pretty plausible. When I was little my mom watched The Fugitive (the TV version) and of course the guy with the fake arm kills the doctor's wife, using his fake arm. So gross. Oh, and that part when he goes into the prosthetic clinic with all the arms and legs everywhere. Oh. My. Heck.
This fear has the potential to hurt people. And it has. When I was little, I was jumping on the trampoline with my friend Angie. I was like all, "Aren't people with fake legs and arms scary!" and she was like "No." What! Yes, they are. A little while later I saw her Grandma at her house and guess what. She was missing an arm. Oops! 
Have you guys watched the news? You know the blade runner? He is charged with murder and this drastically reinforces my fear. Well, last weekend, Chief Navajo Jack, and I were in SLC. At breakfast the TV's were on the news and they were talking about the blade runner. I was saying stuff like, "Of course he did it. He doesn't have legs," and so on. Well, we got back to the hotel room and were all getting ready. Delicate Rose went to put on her shoes and only found one. So she tried another pair, but only found one of the shoes. We all took inventory and every pair (except my red high heels that were still in  my suitcase) only have one shoe. We looked everywhere. Finally, Chief Navajo Jack found them under the blankets in his bed. He told us it was a one-legged ghost that was mad at me. Seriously. What a goober.
So my branch president is Prez Merrill. He's a cool guy. But in my attempts to not become Relief Society President I always say that I'm scared of Prez. One time Delicate Rose asked why I was scared of him and I said it was because he is bald. So that's what I always say now: that I am scared of Prez because he is bald. Completely not true, but it works. Well, our branch is joining up with other branches and we are becoming a ward. Tonight I asked Delicate Rose if she thought Prez would be the new bishop, she replied no, I asked if it was because he was bald, and her response? "No, its because he has a fake leg." Before I knew it, I let out this shreeking, someone-is-murdering-me kind of scream. Scariest .8 seconds of my life. I don't know if I can honestly go to church on Sunday now. I can't be near him. I can't just look to see if she is joking because what if she isn't. Such a predicament.
Disclaimer: I fully acknowledged that this is an illegitimate fear. There are millions (millions? probably millions) of people that can live full lives because of prosthetics and it is in no way their fault for missing body parts. And just like people with all their arms and legs, most of them don't kill people. I have tried to stop thinking "It was them!" every time I see one. So I'm making progress. Baby steps, right?