"I had it all mapped out in front of me, knew just where I wanted to go. But life decided to change my plans, and I found a mountain in the middle of my road. I knew there was no way to move it. So I searched for a way around. Broken hearted, I started climbing, and at the top I found every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view. And now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel, and the faith that I find through the bitter sweet tears and the sleepless nights. I used to pray He'd take it all away. But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I never dreamed my heart could make it. And I thought about turning around. But Heaven has shown me miracles I never would have seen from the ground. Now I take the rain with the sunshine, cuz there's one thing that I know: He picks up the pieces along each broken road. Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view. And now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel, and the faith that I find through the bitter sweet tears and the sleepless nights. I used to pray He'd take it all away. But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak." (she's awesome!)
I know I used this song in my last post of my old blog. Can you tell I like it?
Anyway, back to being single in the very un-single Mormon culture. Every little girl has a picture of how they want their life to turn out. For me, this is how I saw it: I would go to college, barely slide by, have a stunning young prince come sweep me off my feet, get married and drop out of college, make cute little mini us's, and play house for the rest of my life. I truly believed, and hope this is how it would go. But when I got to college, everything started slowly changing. First, I realized barely sliding by not for me. I LOVED college. I could feel the power of the knowledge that was being poured into my head and heart. Some days I felt like a full sponge, like I couldn't possible absorb another ounce of knowledge, and yet the more I learned the more I yearned to know more. I finally chose a major: child development. That major is HUGE at BYU-Idaho, mainly because most Mormon girls had similar ideas of how their lives would go, and they assume this fits into their plan. But that's not why I chose it. I chose it because I was passionate about it. I love the theory behind learning and language and play and motor skills. It was just so empowering. I have never tried illegal drugs, so I can't say it was better than ecstasy. But I can say it was better than Oxycodone!
There were many stunning princes all around me. One in particular was named Matt (no, that's not his real name!). He was so good to me. I remember one day I was just having a really bad day. It was at the end of the semester and everything was just going terrible. I was supposed to go over to his apt for fhe. I walked over to his large apt complex and saw everyone playing out on the lawn. He saw me and I could see how excited he was to see me. All of a sudden everything hit me. I realized that in 4 short days he would go home to Alabama, and I would go home to Pennsylvania. We both had jobs at home for the break. We made plans to see each other, but it wouldn't be the same. I lost it! I started bawling uncontrollably. Luckily, I was still like 50 yards away from him. So I quickly went into the stairwell and continued to bawl. I could see he was looking for me. But I didn't want everyone to see me crying. He texted me, and I told him someone called and I would be there in a minute. I ended up just going home. Soon, he came over to my apt and asked what was wrong. Anyone that knows me knows that is a pointless question to ask. So he just held me. I continued to cry, and he told me everything would be ok. It was then that I realized how much I loved this guy. Well 4 days did go by as fast as I imagined. We had quite possibly the most epic departure BYU-Idaho has or will ever see (but that's for another post). I went home, and after a series of events, I learned that Matt was not my one and only, my soul mate, my eternal companion. He was amazing. I knew that he would make me happy, and that we could enjoy a wonderful life together. But something deep inside told me to wait. So I listened.
I'm still waiting for my right guy. Some prospects have floated in and out, but its always the same answer: someone else is for you. Some days its draining. I can't remember where I heard it, but someone said marriage is like a jacket. Everyone that has one is telling you how amazing and wonderful it is. They constantly tell you to get one. But you don't know where from where to get one. You look everywhere, but you just can't find one.
But everyday is not misery. It could be if I let it but I choose to be happy now. Wanna know one of my favorite parts of being single? I get to choose where my money goes. I don't have little mouths to feed, growing feet that need shoes, or, lets be honest, even rent to pay (thanks Mom and Dad!). I'm about to buy a Nissan Muarno and I don't have to ask for anyone's permission. I'm going to SLC for a couple days and I don't have to consult with anyone, move $$ around to budget the expense, or even find a babysitter. Sounds like a good deal, huh? For today, I think so!
This doesn't mean that I have given up on marriage. I don't sit at home eating brownies out of the pan (most days). I know that I will get my jacket someday. Until then, I'm enjoying this life I have created for myself!
That's what it means to be single and Mormon for me.